For the beginning of the new year...

I have never been one to make new year's resolutions. I think one's resolve should be applied whenever appropriate, not just one particular day on the calendar.

I did just perform a rather spontaneous ritual that yielded seven phrases that I chanted as I walked around my home. I plan on putting them up where I can see them very often. I hope they spark you as they did me.

Blessings for the new year to you all,
Larry

For the New Year


Welcome the new.
Honor the old.
Cherish the wisdom gained.
Welcome the unexpected.
Plan for love.
Savor enlightenment.
Inhabit this physicality fully.

Honoring the Small Healings

I just got through two weeks of minor health and body issues.  I was having tightness and spasms in my lower back and hip, followed by a medium-sized cold and there was a root canal thrown in the middle for good measure. None of this was life-threatening obviously, but these are just the sorts of things that affect your mobility and energy enough to push you out of your usual realm of physical activity.

As the various symptoms have abated (after two chiropractic visits and a lot of self-care, echinacea, hot tea and gentle stretching), I noticed that I was just slipping back into my usual sets of activities. I wasn’t worrying if my coughing would disturb people in a theater or if prolonged sitting would cause trouble for my back and hip. I just did it.

This morning when I awoke, not needing a pillow under my knees to cushion my back or being kept away by congestion, it hit me that I hadn’t given thanks for the healing that just occured. It was no miracle. It didn’t happen overnight. It was simply the body responding to care and attention over time - precisely the thing we tend to gloss over. What is “normal” and “balanced” is unacknowledged and goes by unremarked and unremarkable.

A long time ago, I heard a story about the English poet Christopher Smart (1722-1771), a troubled soul who is known to many only from Benjamin Britten’s setting of his “Rejoice in the Lamb”.  I was told that at some moment on the streets of London he fell to his knees and shouted: “Thank God for my feet!” At the time this was seen as proof of his mental instability. I think if someone did this near us on a city street, we might raise an eyebrow as well. But I applaud the spirit behind this - a vivid, surprising acknowledgment of the everyday, that which seems to need no mention yet which keeps us in this life in an important way.

So... I won’t fall to my knees on Michigan Avenue and yell this, but: “I give thanks for my hips and lower back! I give thanks for my clear sinuses!!”

Be well and savor your bodies and all that they are!!

Mentoring Younger, Mentoring Older

My apologies for such a long silence. With teaching and the various paperwork that goes along with that, I haven't had enough mental space for activities like this that are fun and productive in a different way...
I will try to be more regular!!!

From the beginning of my training as a Sacred Intimate, our role as mentors was stressed. In my mind I always thought of  mentoring as a practice with someone younger than myself, though.  That’s the traditional way it is defined - the one who is older, more experienced, more knowledgeable is the one who teaches. However I have found over the years that one of my major roles is as mentor to those older than myself. 

It’s an interesting turnaround in mentality. I just assume that those who are older must know more than I do; they should be mentoring me.  But recently, I have had several clients a good fifteen or so years older than I am. It just so happens that these men have not had much experience with other men in erotic realms. I am the one introducing them to various aspects of male-male contact.

In most of these cases, the men have been in long-term marriages to women. While harboring wishes to be with men, they have honored their commitments to their wives. At a certain point, through death, divorce or decision, they decide to take a step in the direction of erotic experience with men. I try to honor the momentous nature of their decision to come for a session. For them, it often means the shedding or internal reevaluation of stories that have been the foundation of their many decades of life. These men bring enormous life experience of a certain sort along with an almost blank slate of a different sort. 

To see someone at 55, 60 or 65 wake up to their body’s potential is stunning. It has called into question unfortunate concepts of “dirty old man”, “troll”, “lecher” and “predator” that have found their ways into my consciousness. It has shown me forcefully that embodying Eros knows no body type or age.  

Seeing these men wake up later in life forces me to breathe into my own potential as I age myself. What kind of older man do I want to be? How will I negotiate the inevitable changes to body? What kinds of stories do I want to embody (literally) and impart to younger men who may be my mentors? Can I challenge myself to remove blinders and armoring and really see all of who is in front of me irrespective of age?

Affirmation in a poem by Derek Wolcott

A while back, someone posted this poem to an internet account. I can't remember if it contained the name of the poet or not. I had a hard time tracking down the exact name of the poem, however. While some poems of this sort seem overblown or self-absorbed, this one has always felt "just right" to me, infused with the expansive spirit and intimate relating of the best of Rumi (in the translations I know, at least...).

I don't know Derek Wolcott. But this poem alone makes me want to for sure!

Enjoy. And may your life truly be a feast!!!

Love After Love

The time will come

when, with elation

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror

and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

  - Derek Wolcott 

Practicing What I Preach

I had the distinct pleasure of sharing touch with two Sacred Intimate friends when I was in New York last weekend. I had not planned it into my schedule for the weekend; it was just a lovely confluence of interest and availability for the three of us. 

We each got forty minutes on the table and two pair of trained loving hands to help. We simply needed to ask for what we wanted.

I called it blissful. One of the others called it a slice of heaven. The third guy just made a lot of wonderful sounds, which was certainly good enough! In the midst of my bliss - the bliss of attending to two other wonderful men and the bliss of receiving from them - I was thinking of how long it had been since I had been with touch that was this attentive and caring. (I was really trying not to think about that and just be with the pleasure in the moment, but it kept coming back...) 

And the sad fact was, I couldn’t remember. 

I could remember when I last had “regular” body work, but this type of engagement without goal or payment other than sweetly giving and receiving was almost a year in the past. And I realized how strange this seemed for someone whose career is helping men realize the beauty of this very thing.

The fact is made stranger by the fact that my closest circle of friends all got to know one another through work with the Body Electric School. We talk about this specific approach to the body often and value what it gave to our lives and the changes in perspective that it engendered. We talk about the beauty of “erotic community”and what a positive thing it is. Yet we don’t practice these skills with one another. 

Lives get full. People date. People get partners. People continue and deepen friendships away from the things which brought them together in the first place.

Taking the time to connect in this way requires a kind of forethought and energy  that can be in short supply in busy lives. 

Through the time with my friends in New York, the unique type of power and caring available in these intimate sharing encounters was highlighted for me by their general absence in my life. I did write a note to my friends about this whole realization. I haven’t heard any responses yet. It did make me want to get a group of like-minded men together for this purpose, though. To be continued!

Words of Sacred Intimacy

At the third (and unfortunately last for the moment) Convocation of Sacred Intimates held at Easton Mountain in New York state five years ago, one of the exercises we did was to write words that described our experiences, ideas and ideals of Sacred Intimacy on sheets of paper and hang them on the walls of the temple space. The idea was to be surrounded by this wonderful web of words as we met and went through our weekend. The participants were encouraged to add more words and thoughts as the weekend unfolded.

Somehow I had the forethought to copy all the words down.

I just came across this list again after not having seen it for a very long time. It's an amazing combination of concepts from the very varied personalities in attendance. I'm so glad I saved it. During the times when I have doubt or depression, I need to remember to re-read this list and the inspired men who created it.

I hope you find resonance here as I have.

Claiming

Softness

Quantum healing

Knowing the unknown

Earth connection

(in)visibility

Shattering facades

Wholeness

Spirit you all (spiritual)

Deepening our faith

Release

Music of the heart

Freedom

The best orgasm of their life

Model new ways

Spiritual path

Miracles 

Deepening our joy

It’s all ok

True satisfaction

Sanctuary

Look how beautiful you are!

Camaraderie

Innocence

Re-balance

Delight

The wonderment of viewing out from within

Joy 

Hope

Power to withstand

Light

Sacred phallus

Rebirth

Deepening our magic

Cosmic blow job

The use of sound/voice

Discipline

The awakening of man

…mmmm…

Blue light of Shiva

Magic 

Awakening
Pleasure where there was pain

Revolution: vibrational, complete, gentle

Inner peace

Powerful self healing

Wonder

Fun & deep

Compassion

Internal power

Grounding

True face of the beloved

The power of intuition

Caring

Love

Open butt

Relax

Spring green

Rapture

Big desire

Acceptance

Connection

Nurture ♥

Drifting away

Union

Shared beliefs

Sacred intimacy as a way of living

Breath

Connect sacred to the physical

Modeling family

De-fragmenting

Lovers – all of them

The power of 1 & One

Open

Wonderment

Transformation

Floating

Channel love

Play

Sacred technology

Highly polished mirrors

Deep transformation

Release gay shame

Raw sexual urges

Safety

Reformation

Seeing God

Deepening our Medicine

Reclaiming ejaculation

Truth as we know it today

Support

Bliss 

Being there
Being of service
Comfort
Transitions
Teach to be present
Divinity
Openness

The maze we take men through safely

A few jokes...

And sometimes you just need a few jokes to help you through...

From Phylis Diller:
"I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away."

And from Woody Allen:
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic!"

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."

and finally

"Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone you love!"

The Internet Porn Massage vs. The Real Bodywork Session

I enjoy porn. I have always found it a fun addition to usual intimate contact and self-pleasuring.  I am a visual kind of guy, so it’s images - both still and moving - that get me going rather than written stories. 

The attitude of most gay men to porn is healthy in many respects, I feel. The act of enjoying porn does not carry a sense of transgressiveness or taboo-breaking that you might find in certain parts of society. Neither do you tend to find much condemnation and aversion. All good things. 

In terms of Sacred Intimate work, problems arise when clients want porn and reality to mirror one another in a session. We have all seen the videos: hot masseur welcomes (often supposedly straight) client into his studio; massage quickly progresses to significant butt and genital play; client has significant sex play with the masseur; both have an orgasm. 

First, let me say that having or enjoying this fantasy is not where my discomfort lies. It can certainly be fun to watch. And, if a client came to me and expressed his desire to reenact this scenario, I would be fine with that. In this form, it is a clearly articulated wish - parameters can be discussed and the experience can be created so that the client can get the most out of his fantasy being realized. 

However in an unspoken and undefined form, I really feel there are several things amiss. Early on in my practice I realized that men are very slow to recognize subtle forms of abuse. In physical encounters, abuse could be defined as receiving any type of touch that you have not specifically agreed to or been asked about.  This calls into serious question the practice of many bodyworkers (specific type of bodywork and/or licensing seem to be irrelevant here) simply to assume that every man wants a hand job or to have his butthole played with and that an erection automatically equals asking for a hand job.

Yes, being masturbated in a comfortable environment with no need of reciprocity can be hot and fun, but I now view this scenario without specific permission as abuse - abuse whose effects can ripple through the physical encounters (both intimate and non-) of each client. 

I strive to short-circuit all aspects of this subtle abuse right from the start. At the beginning of certain types of sessions, I tell clients that a release will be perfectly fine. Then, at the point in the session where I would provide the release, I ask if this is what he wants, regardless of the visual cue of an erection or not. What this two-step process does is:

1. dispels the “will he, won’t he” tension that might otherwise exist in his mind right during the whole session

2. does not assume anything about the man’s desires of the moment regardless of physical reactions

3. provides another layer of safety, permission and ease for the man to have an orgasm.

After doing this for ten years, I can tell you that about fifty percent of men, erection or not, will say that simply having their cock and balls massaged without an orgasm will be just fine. This reaffirms my belief in how I approach this subject and truly empowers the man on the table to make his own decisions about his experience. It is an effective, direct and ease way to introduce men to the concept of erotic choice, something that is sorely lacking in our culture. 

There is also another part of the “don’t ask, just stroke” scenario that is problematic - the role of the masseur. Aside from perpetuating the notion that subtle forms of abuse are routine and irrelevant, a masseur’s unasked sexual involvement with a client  skews the intention and purpose of a session. I do not believe it is possible to pursue one’s own sexual fulfillment AND hold a client’s best interests at the same time. I simply do not think that men’s brains are wired to function simultaneously on these two levels. Therefore, for some period of time, the session becomes all about the masseur, or at the very least NOT about the client. Since one of the primary jobs of the Sacred Intimate is to connect the client more fully with his own body and perhaps even his own divine nature, this removing of attention from the client’s needs in favor of the masseur’s needs seems irresponsible. There are very few things I consider “absolute boundaries” in Sacred Intimate work; this is one of them. Please understand that I am NOT saying that we must not get turned on by our clients at all costs or anything of the sort - this would be repressive and counterproductive. On the contrary, I think it’s great for a client to see that we embody our physicality proudly and powerfully. However, I think we also need to be supremely mindful that we are in the position of being teachers of erotic embodiment and that there are responsible ways and means of expressing this embodiment toward our clients. 

The bottom line: leave the unspoken aspects of the massage fantasy on the dvd or the internet. Rather, embrace the concept of erotic choice deeply so that both client and Sacred Intimate can both flower fully in their roles.

A Blessing, in celebration of New York's vote and Gay Pride

Today, I give you one of my favorite blessings. I like it so much that I put it on the back on my business cards.

John O'Donohue has written many books on different aspects of spirituality. A friend recently gave me his "Book of Blessings" for a birthday present; it resides next to my bed now. This quote is from his work "Anam Cara: a book of Celtic wisdom". Though my reaction to different parts of this book varied, these simple sentences of blessing of our physicality are so simple and powerful, that I use them often - silently repeating them to clients at the end of a session.

These wise words seemed like a wonderful way to honor both the historic vote in New York legalizing same-sex marriage and Gay Pride.

I hope they resonate with you the same way they resonate with me.

May your body be blessed.
May you realize that your body is a faithful and beautiful friend of your soul.
And may you be peaceful and joyful and recognize that your senses are sacred thresholds.
May you realize that holiness is mindful, gazing, feeling, hearing, and touching.
May your senses gather you and bring you home.
May your senses always enable you to celebrate the universe and the mystery and possibilities in your presence here.
May the Eros of the Earth bless you

Wise Words from an Elder Sacred Intimate

Here, I post two short passages by Andrew Ramer. They are from his Handbook for Sacred Intimates written in 1992. They speak to the higher purpose of Sacred Intimacy and those who value it.

Happy Summer Solstice!


"The work of the sacred intimates is and always has been the work of conscious spiritual evolution. It is the work of creating a ladder between the spiritual and physical worlds, a bridge that will allow us to cross back and forth between them."

"In dancing many of us remember what it is like to pray with our bodies. But our culture has lost this sense of praying with our bodies through sex. And we have certainly lost the sense that some people have more access to the divine through their bodies. ...what could be more primal and holy than a man who opened his mouth to god in pleasure?"

Taking the Face of Eros into Your Own Hands

In Greek mythology, Eros was the primordial god of sexual love and beauty. He was also worshiped as a fertility deity. He is one of the oldest deities,  embodying not only the force of love but also the creative urge of ever-flowing nature. In the most famous Greek creation myth, Eros sprang forth from the primordial Chaos together with Gaia, the Earth, and Tartarus, the underworld.

In this description we see the gift of Eros: the unfettered strength of the physical, visceral and creative. We can also see the partners of Eros - Gaia, or the quality of groundedness, and Tartarus, the shadow or the unknown, all emerging from the formless, Chaos.  So while the erotic certainly is about sex, it is also about nurturing and mystery. How these various qualities intersect and interact speaks to how we experience our intimate encounters with others.

In my experience, most sexually active gay men are experts in the physical side of Eros. The hot rush of attraction is familiar and fun, bringing out youthful vigor and passion. There can be a powerful, visceral connection between sexual partners when this side of Eros is addressed.

Perhaps this flash of Eros is all that is desired in certain intimate encounters. There is nothing wrong with this level of connection at times. I wonder, though, if limiting our experience of Eros to this sudden flash can ultimately be debilitating. Ignoring the earthy and mysterious companions of Eros is much like a nutritional imbalance - too much of one kind of vitamin and too little of others. Unlike a nutritional imbalance which will eventually lead to specific physical symptoms or illnesses that can be recognized and treated, the symptoms of an erotic imbalance can be subtle and hard to diagnose. Lack of interest, compulsive interest, feelings of emptiness after an encounter or after the flash of first contact, and not being able to distinguish physical attraction from deep connection could be among the symptoms.

So what to do?
Is finding “the one” the only answer?
Is it possible to be single and erotically whole and engaged?

There is certainly no substitute for intimate relationship with another human. But there is also no reason to lead a life in “erotic deficit” just because you want greater quality and depth in your intimate encounters and haven’t found “the one”. I have found that men are often very unaware of their own bodies and reactions in their own hands. It may seem counterintuitive, but self-pleasuring - a deep, fun, investigation of one’s own body - can be a great help in completing a personal picture of Eros. This concept of self-pleasuring is very different from the “getting the job done” that most of us are familiar with. Self-pleasuring may or may not contain an orgasm. It may or may not contain motions or techniques that you use often. The point is to bring Gaia and Tartarus - groundedness and mystery - into intimate relationship with Eros in our own bodies and with our own hands.

By using your own body as an erotic canvas, you allow these partners of Eros to come into play. Literally!! You may want to try a kind of toy that you have not felt comfortable having other people use on you. You may want to try one simple technique - caressing, tickling, slapping, licking, scratching - for a long period of time on as many parts of your body as you can reach and see how erotic energy builds that way. You may want to experiment with different levels of pressure of these techniques. The possibilities are nearly endless and result in a very sweet deepening of our knowledge and experience of ourselves - and also fun!

The beauty is: there is no such thing as being wrong! Allow yourself the nurturing time and space to know your own body better. Do it often. Be the expert of your erotic life!

Seven Signposts of Erotic Health

I want to start with this wonderful list taken from Jack Morin's insightful book "The Erotic Mind". I like the way these markers outline a way of thinking about this part of ourselves in a refreshing, non-judgmental and open way.


1. The erotically healthy person develops a clear set of ethical values that possess           intrinsic personal meaning and applies them in the sexual arena
2. Erotically healthy people establish safe parameters within which to let themselves go.
3. Erotically healthy people recognize that sexual fantasies and behaviors operate in two separate yet interrelated spheres.
4. Erotically healthy people not only enjoy their fantasies but also use them to gain insights into their emotions and motivations.
5. Erotically healthy people who are involved with children take an interest in their sexual development, especially the promotion and nurturance of positive, self-affirming attitudes toward sex.
6. Erotically healthy people accept and appreciate their sexual uniqueness rather than fearing or fighting it.
7. Erotically healthy people appreciate sexual diversity in others as well as in themselves.