Amid all the furor of the pandemic and other political upheaval, I completely missed an important life marker - the twentieth anniversary of my Sacred intimate practice. It is a passage of time that is well worth reflection and celebration!
My entry into this work was almost an accident. I had done all the workshops that Body Electric offered at that period including Sacred Intimacy Training and In the Garden of Life. While I appreciated their value in a personal growth sense, I couldn’t imagine doing “that stuff” in anything but a workshop setting. (My inner Good-Jewish-Boy-From-Suburbs still had some hooks in me…)
In December of 2000, I moved back to Chicago after 5 years in Santa Fe. It was a personal, rather than professional move, so I was not that busy with other work. Also, the concept of internet advertising and webpages was taking hold, so it removed some of the overtness of a print ad for my body work. A friend helped me create a basic webpage and I just waited.
Even without an official ad, some clients found my webpage and came for appointments. I was very lucky to get several serious clients who wanted ongoing work almost from the start. (I didn’t realize what a blessing and exception this was at the time!) These men, almost all older than me, showed me what this work was outside of the sweet confines of a retreat or workshop setting. It was great preparation for what would follow.
By and large, what I got from Body Electric prepared me very well for the workings of sessions - different approaches, different types of sessions, different ways of asking questions, different means of opening my heart to the needs of clients. What the training did not prepare me well for was the interface with real people walking in off the street who knew nothing of the work.
Pretty quickly, I found that I needed to revise how I presented session options to clients so that not everything ended up looking like sex or that the process of choosing what should happen in a session “didn’t feel like going to school without doing homework”, as one client aptly put it. After consulting with two of my Body Electric teachers, I made some changes in the way of presenting the work that made me more comfortable and put the clients more at ease - changes I have kept through all these years.
I will admit that on many occasions during these decades I have felt like giving up the practice. Certain aspects of working with clients, mostly about respect for me, my well-being or my boundaries, are tiring and tiresome. But the fundamental ideas that understanding the Erotic, experiencing generous heart-felt touch from a trained practitioner, and connecting all levels of a human’s being are essential life skills, have kept me going.
Here are some random thoughts about various aspects of the practice after two decades:
Communication 1: Communication with clients has changed drastically. Whereas clients used to call and often want appointments several days in advance, now clients mostly text and often want appointments within the next few hours.
Communication 2: Even with the paragraph above, the quality of initial contact of clients has remained remarkably similar. While many are kind and respectful, I still get a lot of “got time?”, “any sessions?”, “got more pictures?”, regardless of the means of contact.
Communication 3: The greater the number of questions either via text or email to begin, the less likely the person is to make an appointment. (Note: I think it is perfectly fine that a client ask questions that are important to him in order to feel that he will be getting an experience worth his time and money. But once these devolve into mapping the entire experience or knowing every detail of how things will happen, it seems that the client is not likely to let himself go into the mystery of what a session can be.)
Horniness: I have come to really respect a man’s right to be horny. It can be a fun and powerful motivator. However, when a man is not willing to go beyond that state, it seems less likely that he will experience something new or surprising. (And it is more likely that he will want to push my boundaries for sessions.)
SI work vs. other “extended body work”: I have greater awareness of and respect for sex work and escort work. The openness that the best of these practitioners can present is impressive. It is also very clear to me that my skills and comfort levels do not lend themselves to either of those things. I have jokingly referred to myself as the Miss Manners of Sacred Intimates at times. :-)
Aging 1: It is interesting, instructive and sobering to have been in this work from age 40 to 60. My body and appearance have changed, of course. The age and nature of my clients have indeed changed as well, as the younger and hotter men appear in the ads on the massage sites. The only time that bothers me is when my clients talk about how well or whole or calm they feel after a session with me and contrast it with someone younger or hotter who said he did what I do, but didn’t really.
Aging 2: I no longer feel the need to chase clients or try to “reel them in”. If interest in my work isn’t really there, they are better off going to someone else.
Shame: From early on in my practice, I have thought that one of the most basic benefits of Sacred Intimate work is “shame busting”. I vow to help clients move away from any shame they may bring in the door and not to compound or create shame in any way for a client. Simple listening, compassion and energetically neutral touch can work miracles! I do include initial contact in this vow. It gets very tricky when people persist with personal questions or edge over into sexual solicitation. (This happened just 30 minutes ago!! See Communication 2…) I have learned to state my boundaries in a neutral way or simply say: “I think you are looking for a different session than I can provide.”
Love: There have been a few clients over the years whose presence or experience has opened my heart in a spontaneous and surprising way. I generally know little about these men - their lives outside my massage room, the totality of their beings. Yet there is a sweetness and openness in them that elicits a powerful response within me. Sometimes this same feeling is acknowledged by the client. Other times, I never know if it a mutual or singular response. This remains one of the most rare, most beautiful, most unpredictable, and most mysterious things I feel in a session. At times afterwards I have meditated on it, much as you would meditate on a beautiful flower or jewel or artwork. Other times I just let it go with a wish of well-being. But this unexpected uprising of love is truly precious. It is truly one of the great gifts of this practice.
I give special thanks to John Ballew and Harry Faddis, who were my two most influential teachers from the Body Electric School and to Don Shewey, friend, Sacred Brother and fellow traveler.
Wishing you all well as I enter into my third decade of Sacred Intimate work!!
Namaste.
