The End of an Era

 I moved to Lisbon, Portugal one year ago.

There were many reasons for my move, some political, some personal. I knew that making this move would alter my relationship to Sacred Intimate work, but I was unclear exactly how.

It took three months for my things to arrive from the U.S. My massage table was among the things I had shipped, so I had no choice but to have a hiatus. I needed to set up my new life here and deal with many bureaucratic details, so I didn’t feel like anything was missing. Once my things arrived, I had to see how everything would fit in my second bedroom to know how it would work for sessions. Because of  how I need to store things here and the size of the room, I just haven’t felt that this is a space where I can create the kind of warm, inviting atmosphere I like for my clients. Renting some kind of space seemed like a large expenditure (and gamble), given that I had no idea how the work would resonate here, particularly if I needed to explain very specific things in what would be a second or third language for some people.

So I waited.

I have gotten body work from three different men here in Lisbon during this year, but those sessions didn’t prompt me to start it up again myself. So I made the decision to cease my Sacred Intimate practice. There was certainly some back-and-forth in my mind about the decision; I haven’t retired from any of the other work I do in the world and I don’t let go of 22 years of a kind of work lightly.

I give great thanks to all my clients over the years. I heard so many stories, some beautiful, some tragic. I shared so many tears of grief and joy and relief. I learned so much about attending to, being present for and accompanying men of all different ages, colors and body types through this work in such intimate ways. I’m not sure there is any other work around that could afford those experiences, both exhilarating an difficult. The impact it has had on my own life and way of relating is inestimable.

I remain open to working with someone who has a specific need or desire to do Sacred Intimate work or to assist in some kind of workshop or conference. Sharing with motivated clients or participants on a limited basis would still be a joy.

I wish everyone well in their erotic journeys. I remind you (and myself) that this part of our being is as necessary and vital as breathing. If it is not included in a spiritual journey, that journey is incomplete.

With heartfelt wishes,
Larry

Happy middle or happy end?

 I am always gratified when a client asks about something I do that other bodyworkers tend not to. This happened yesterday when  a wise (and sweet) client asked after his session why some practitioners give a release at the end and others somewhere during the middle.

It’s a great question and one that I thought about deeply when I put my decision in place years ago to be in the “happy middle” camp.

At the beginning of an appropriate session, I tell the client that a release is possible. I do this because I don’t want the client to be thinking “will he or won’t he” for an hour as I touch him. It removes the mystery and releases stress even before we begin our work. When I get to the point where a release works well, I ask the client again, no matter what he said the first time or how aroused he is. Most practitioners who will provide a release don’t allow their clients this erotic choice. They assume that every male will want this. While most clients do say yes, allowing them this decision affirms their erotic choice; it is not about my assumption or will. And then, there really is a healthy percentage that says no. Having an orgasm requires work and strong engagement. After an hour of wonderful relaxation and conscious touch, some men simply want to bask in the sensations of arousal and pleasure without a goal. (I do offer to massage the genitals of these men without the goal of a release.)

If a client does choose to have a release, I offer a full ten minutes of massage afterwards. He is able to enjoy post-orgasmic state with even more conscious touch and attention.

A very small number of men are so sensitive after orgasm, that even gentle touch is almost painful. Gentle placement of my hands with almost no movement works in these rare instances. But in many cases, I think we are so used to orgasms being the equivalent of “…and that’s all folks” that we never luxuriate in those sensations. We can be almost fearful of the waves of pleasure that keep arising. I do hope I help men through that particular fear.

Of course a happy ending can be very fun and pleasant. However, at times it can feel like a send-off, an expectation needing to be fulfilled, disconnected from the entire session the preceded it.  Since my whole m.o. is about wholeness and (re)discovery of the body, I choose the option with the greatest possibility of integration.

Here’s to happy middles and erotic choice!

What percent gay am I?

 “What percent gay am I?”, the client asked.
I was utterly taken aback. It felt like something from the 1950s. And yet it was an honest question from a client at the end of his session.

(A little background: the client was an immigrant of mixed Arab background in his mid 30s. He had been married (to a woman) and divorced and was probably going to get married again relatively soon.)

In addition to all the various techniques of body and healing work that can be involved in sessions, the one constant I try to present is that of space where shame has no home. So when someone asks a question such as “what percent gay am I”, I try to think quickly how to respond in a way that is honest, but will also not shut down the questioner, no matter what I think of the question.

I’m sure I looked quite surprised. But what I said was: “It doesn’t matter. There really is no such thing as a percentage. Our bodies respond in different ways to different people.” This wasn’t the best answer, but it was what I could come up with on the fly. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to give himself permission to get married or permission to play around with guys on the side or permission to suppress this part of himself or what. He had been very open at the beginning of the session about wanting to be more grounded in his body. He had also been open about knowing that he needed help from a man in his exploration.

I know that a question like this is particularly provocative when it keeps resonating and I talk about it (the question, not the client) with others. For me, part of it is that I came out between the ages of 17 and 19 and have never had sexual contact with a woman. This notion of  “a percentage gay” doesn’t apply to me. (Well… I guess it’s 100%…) But the client’s question forced me to think yet again about sexuality as a spectrum rather than a fixed point.

For many men who identify as gay, the first thing that comes to mind when someone comes out with a question like this is: “You’re gay and can’t admit it. The fact that you are even asking such a question shows how conflicted you are.” In new immigrant communities, particularly those where a certain type of machismo is valued, this might very well be the case. However, if I look a little deeper, I realize that this is an opinion, not a fact. Though I have a lot of life experience that shows me how men can delude themselves for many years about their sexual attraction, I really can’t know how all of this shakes down in someone else’s body.

So I remain caught between not wanting to allow the client to remain deluded and not wanting to push my opinion on his situation. My only solution is to invite the client into deeper relationship with his body. If I can get him to appreciate and nurture what his own body has to offer, then whatever “his percentage” ends up being, it will have a more stable and grounded place to thrive honestly. The choice to dive farther is his.

Top or Bottom, or, What's in a position?

 Few things get me more annoyed these days than the ever-present dichotomy of top/bottom. It often will be a first determining factor in an app/online contact. It’s often a second or third question in other circumstances. It’s not that I mind men having a stated preference for sexual activity. Rather, I mind that the terms are vague and limiting. Is that division for one sex act only? Does it imply types of intimate behavior in other ways? Why is that a determining factor more than oral/no oral or kissing/no kissing?

One of my early posts here was on porn vs body work. I feel that there should also be a significant footnote about porn vs real life and anal exploration. In porn films, you rarely see the insertive partner be careful, considerate and slow with his receptive mate. In porn films, you never see the insertive partner go through stages of erection and flaccidity. In porn films, you never see the receptive partner say: “Please stop. This isn’t comfortable for me.” In porn films, you never see the mess that can result from anal sex.

Even though we know on a conscious level that even the most amateur of these films are edited for maximum effect, it is very easy to start thinking that real-life encounters should follow what we see in film. I have had many clients over the years who feel deficient because they cannot live up to porn film standards when it comes to anal sex, specifically on the receptive side. While wanting to be a “better bottom” is perfectly fine, feeling that it is an “or else” situation is not fine at all.

Here are a few things for you to consider, wherever you place yourself on the anal sex spectrum.

Consideration #1
You don’t have to want anal sex.

Period.

A perfectly good answer to the top/bottom question is: “Neither, thank you”.

Consideration #2
Are you willing to explore a man’s butt without the goal of penetration?

Personal story: I have never felt drawn to anal exploration. There was never a phobia, but just no intense interest either. When I was introduced to anal exploration through the Body Electric School, it was as if I discovered a lost continent on my body. With a workshop partner whose goals were pleasure, care and connection, in a setting where the experience was provided only with hands, where penetration was only an afterthought and not a necessity, and with careful instruction and hygiene protocols, I was able to release all notion of performance and expectation and just feel. It was unexpected, intense and deep. (p.s. using latex or other gloves for this purpose makes a huge difference!)

Consideration #2a
Are you willing to release your self-concept of top or bottom to experience both sides of this type of exploration?

Consideration #3
If you are the insertive partner, are you willing to serve the pleasure of your receptive partner rather than assuming that your own will and fortitude are enough?

Consideration #4
If you are the receptive partner, are you willing to guide and encourage your insertive partner so that he understands and delights in your pleasure (and backs off when necessary)?

Consideration #5
Whichever side is your usual “flip”, what would happen if you let go of that designation completely, even if for a brief time?

What/who do you lose? What/who do you gain? Might your general appreciation of anal sex actually increase if you loosen your mental grip on this dividing line? Might you actually discover ways to be more competent at your chosen role by letting a rigid concept of it soften?


Of course I understand that in the heat of the sexual moment, these considerations may feel awkward or academic. In casual encounters, there may be no conversation at all and any action that seems “corrective” might stop things altogether. I’m hardly the wiener police here, but I guess I make a general plea for quality over quantity. You deserve it! Caring about your own and your partner’s experience - top, bottom, neither, casual, experimental, dating, married - can only help you embrace  your general sense of well-being. And your butt - this mysterious place of many possible experiences - is a great place to start!


**For an interesting, informative and exhaustive treatment of this subject, please get “the butt bible”, “Anal Pleasure and Health” by Jack Morin. You won’t be sorry!**

Reflections on Twenty Years of Practice

Amid all the furor of the pandemic and other political upheaval, I completely missed an important life marker - the twentieth anniversary of my Sacred intimate practice. It is a passage of time that is well worth reflection and celebration!

My entry into this work was almost an accident. I had done all the workshops that Body Electric offered at that period including Sacred Intimacy Training and In the Garden of Life. While I appreciated their value in a personal growth sense, I couldn’t imagine doing “that stuff” in anything but a workshop setting.  (My inner Good-Jewish-Boy-From-Suburbs still had some hooks in me…)

In December of 2000, I moved back to Chicago after 5 years in Santa Fe. It was a personal, rather than professional move, so I was not that busy with other work. Also, the concept of internet advertising and webpages was taking hold, so it removed some of the overtness of a print ad for my body work. A friend helped me create a basic webpage and I just waited.

Even without an official ad, some clients found my webpage and came for appointments. I was very lucky to get several serious clients who wanted ongoing work almost from the start. (I didn’t realize what a blessing and exception this was at the time!) These men, almost all older than me, showed me what this work was outside of the sweet confines of a retreat or workshop setting. It was great preparation for what would follow.

By and large, what I got from Body Electric prepared me very well for the workings of sessions - different approaches, different types of sessions, different ways of asking questions, different means of opening my heart to the needs of clients. What the training did not prepare me well for was the interface with real people walking in off the street who knew nothing of the work.

Pretty quickly, I found that I needed to revise how I presented session options to clients so that not everything ended up looking like sex or that the process of choosing what should happen in a session “didn’t feel like going to school without doing homework”, as one client aptly put it. After consulting with two of my Body Electric teachers, I made some changes in the way of presenting the work that made me more comfortable and put the clients more at ease - changes I have kept through all these years.

I will admit that on many occasions during these decades I have felt like giving up the practice. Certain aspects of working with clients, mostly about respect for me, my well-being or my boundaries, are tiring and tiresome. But the fundamental ideas that understanding the Erotic, experiencing generous heart-felt touch from a trained practitioner, and connecting all levels of a human’s being are essential life skills, have kept me going.

Here are some random thoughts about various aspects of the practice after two decades:

Communication 1: Communication with clients has changed drastically. Whereas clients used to call and often want appointments several days in advance, now clients mostly text and often want appointments within the next few hours.

Communication 2: Even with the paragraph above, the quality of initial contact of clients has remained remarkably similar. While many are kind and respectful, I still get a lot of “got time?”, “any sessions?”, “got more pictures?”, regardless of the means of contact.

Communication 3: The greater the number of questions either via text or email to begin, the less likely the person is to make an appointment. (Note: I think it is perfectly fine that a client ask questions that are important to him in order to feel that he will be getting an experience worth his time and money. But once these devolve into mapping the entire experience or knowing every detail of how things will happen, it seems that the client is not likely to let himself go into the mystery of what a session can be.)

Horniness: I have come to really respect a man’s right to be horny. It can be a fun and powerful motivator. However, when a man is not willing to go beyond that state, it seems less likely that he will experience something new or surprising. (And it is more likely that he will want to push my boundaries for sessions.)

SI work vs. other “extended body work”: I have greater awareness of and respect for sex work and escort work. The openness that the best of these practitioners can present is impressive. It is also very clear to me that my skills and comfort levels do not lend themselves to either of those things. I have jokingly referred to myself as the Miss Manners of Sacred Intimates at times. :-)

Aging 1: It is interesting, instructive and sobering to have been in this work from age 40 to 60. My body and appearance have changed, of course. The age and nature of my clients have indeed changed as well,  as the younger and hotter men appear in the ads on the massage sites. The only time that bothers me is when my clients talk about how well or whole or calm they feel after a session with me and contrast it with someone younger or hotter who said he did what I do, but didn’t really.

Aging 2: I no longer feel the need to chase clients or try to “reel them in”. If interest in my work isn’t really there, they are better off going to someone else.

Shame: From early on in my practice, I have thought that one of the most basic benefits of Sacred Intimate work is “shame busting”. I vow to help clients move away from any shame they may bring in the door and not to compound or create shame in any way for a client. Simple listening, compassion and energetically neutral touch can work miracles! I do include initial contact in this vow. It gets very tricky when people persist with personal questions or edge over into sexual solicitation. (This happened just 30 minutes ago!! See Communication 2…) I have learned to state my boundaries in a neutral way or simply say: “I think you are looking for a different session than I can provide.”

Love: There have been a few clients over the years whose presence or experience has opened my heart in a spontaneous and surprising way. I generally know little about these men - their lives outside my massage room, the totality of their beings. Yet there is a sweetness and openness in them that elicits a powerful response within me. Sometimes this same feeling is acknowledged by the client. Other times, I never know if it a mutual or singular response. This remains one of the most rare, most beautiful, most unpredictable, and most mysterious things I feel in a session. At times afterwards I have meditated on it, much as you would meditate on a beautiful flower or jewel or artwork.  Other times I just let it go with a wish of well-being. But this unexpected uprising of love is truly precious. It is truly one of the great gifts of this practice.

I give special thanks to John Ballew and Harry Faddis, who were my two most influential teachers from the Body Electric School and to Don Shewey, friend, Sacred Brother and fellow traveler.

Wishing you all well as I enter into my third decade of Sacred Intimate work!!
Namaste.

Touch in a Time of Distance

What on earth do we do now? The very thing that links us in a profound, primal and ecstatic way is all of a sudden a major problem for everyone everywhere.

My last bodywork client was on March 9. A few weeks before, I had put a whole set of protocols in place for myself that I did after each client - a wipe down of every surface in the room within a few feet of the table (on top of the usual wiping of the table), wiping every part of the table, diffusing anti-viral essential oils in the room and the apartment before and after the client, taking a full soapy shower after the client (instead of just the scrub of arms and hands).  I then put in place protocols for the clients - all clothes placed in a small box in the bathroom, requiring a full shower of the client before the session. I also scaled back on my offerings - no Breath of Life Massage, as it requires forceful expulsion of air, nothing that requires my face to be extremely close to the client’s.

While these are all sensible precautions done in the name of safety for both me and the client, they also have the sad effect of creating a distance between us. I can be as open-hearted as before this whole mess started, but I can’t be as free with contact. And that feels like the exact opposite of what Sacred Intimate work is supposed to provide. The number one rule of Sacred Intimacy is providing a safe container for the client and his session, however that looks. But now, in the name of safety and good sense, that safe container is a much more limited place.

It pains me that for each client I need to ask myself: “Is this safe? Is this worth the potential risk?” These are questions that never had to be asked in this way before. Safety and risk were never about disease, given the boundaries that I have always had.

Amazingly, I have had session requests at regular intervals throughout these two months. I have declined to take them, but I must admit I have the angel-and-devil arguments about each one of them. Personally, there is nothing I would love more right now than a wonderful massage. I am giving everything a few more weeks. I am not sure that a few weeks will really solve or reveal anything, honestly. I am trying to be in touch with other professionals to gauge what they are doing.

May our touch be freed from restriction soon!! Until then, touch yourself!!

Good Clients

In looking at my postings recently, I realized that I have posted a lot about problems. I do this because they tend to be the more dramatic encounters, physical or virtual, and because I think these difficulties are little discussed, even among those of us who do bodywork. I hope my posting about them will be a support to my Sacred Intimate brothers who may encounter similar clients and also a cautionary tale to future clients, to better understand what happens behind the scenes of my practice.

But, of course I do have wonderful clients. Many of them.

One of these wonderful clients is my most regular one. Aside from being a lovely human being, he is also a very creative one. He is one of the many members of the clergy I have been privileged to work with over the years. These men, because of their backgrounds, understand and relish the ritual possibilities of Sacred Intimate work - how a session can be crafted as a container for a specific inner experience at a specific time. They also seem to have an uncanny knack of creating brilliant playful experiences. I have to think that their being grounded in their bodies helps them serve their congregations in unique and resourceful ways.

I had a surprising and good new client just this afternoon. He had contacted me a few days ago and set up an appointment. Unfortunately, these days, significant advance planning means there's a 50-50 chance of cancellation. He did confirm, however, and showed up on time. He was pleasant but seemed…ummm… skittish. He wanted little conversation ahead of time and asked for what I term a nurturing massage. Throughthe session,  he was breathing, there was little evidence of relaxation or pleasure, either from vocalization, increased breathing or body movement.

Little evidence until I got to his perineum and nipples, that is. These areas seemed to unlock his body in a way, not only providing apparent pleasure but also relaxing into deeper breathing. Interestingly, he didn’t want a release. Even though there were not many words exchanged afterwards, the session evidently game him something surprising and good, as he initiated a text conversation about future work later on. In one of these texts, he admitted to having been fearful (what felt to me as skittish). He didn’t specify the reason(s) for his fear, but I assume it is something about the infrequent experience of good touch from a man. I assured him that future sessions would ease that fear and provide for richer exploration, relaxation or understanding.

These clients who relax and open visibly into a session are very rewarding - a good reminder that conscious loving bodywork really does help us be better citizens of the world by inhabiting our bodies more fully.

Wishing you happy and fulfilling embodiment!