In some ways, I am exceedingly fortunate person.
In my work as healer and Sacred Intimate, I have heard of so many types of neglect, abuse and lack of care both of self and others. I have tended to and wept with clients who have these things in their backgrounds. And I have never been directly touched by any of these - until now.
In a very highly publicized way, a story of long-term sexual abuse at my former high school has come to light. Four men were named specifically. One of these men was someone I considered my mentor. I met him when I entered the school at age 11 and remained in regular contact with him until his death last January. He was a formative and important part of my life, providing emotional support for certain decisions when my parents would not.
He never did anything inappropriate while I was his student. Later, after I came out to him in my early 20s, he confided that he was a very closeted bisexual. Unfortunately, this stifling of his sexuality led to inappropriate and harmful behavior. I was not shocked by the fact that he had had relations with boys at the school. I was shocked by the pervasive long-term aspect of the situation.
And I am left with a difficult task of heart: how to hold these competing and polarizing aspects of an all-too-human being in a soul? How to acknowledge the man who provided me a certain kind of inner support when my own parents would/could not while not pushing away the harm he caused others?
At the moment it feels daunting. This man is no longer there to confront or question, to console or cry with. Each of us whose lives he touched in a previously positive way must find a means to accommodate this new information. I find unnameable waves of emotion pass through me.
Perhaps I am grieving a certain loss of innocence, a re-writing of my childhood and early adulthood.
I didn’t know that I had any of that innocence left to lose, quite honestly...
