Dragged Back to the Basics

There are times when a client forces you to “give up”, to go back to Sacred Intimacy 101, where you hope to find any kind of connection.

A man contacted me this afternoon, wanting a session within a short period time. It just so happened I was able to accommodate him today. His texts were terse, but he did keep me apprised well of his arrival time.

It turned out that he is a very handsome man, very much my “type”. That type of attractiveness is a lovely perk, but can also be a big distraction in tuning into the client and his needs. He told me about some body stress from some exercise he had done earlier in the day. He revealed nothing else about his history.

At the beginning of the session when he was on his stomach, I reached under his shoulder to manipulate the shoulder blade. He let out an “ouch” and said I had tugged on his chest hair. I apologized and continued. When I got to the left shoulder, I was much more careful, but still got an “ouch”. I apologized again and continued. Of course now I was self-conscious in my touch, not wanting to cause any more discomfort or have him stuck in the anticipation of it.  I thought I felt something else, though. I wasn’t sure if it was the residue of the unintentional discomfort I had caused or something else. He just felt inert. Dull. Not present. I have certainly had this with other clients, but this felt a bit more solid.

 At first, my judgment was clouded by the fact of his attractiveness. I was more worried about pleasing him rather than opening my heart to a supportive, loving session. These two things can look somewhat similar, there really is a huge difference in action and presence on the part of the Sacred Intimate. I caught myself quickly, however, and, mostly out of frustration, did the most basic connecting I knew how to do - breathe. As I continued with the massage, I simply took on his rhythm of breathing, letting go all thought of outcome.

Within a few minutes, the session really changed. Even though I still felt a somewhat unyielding energy, the dullness was gone. I was able to relax into his breath and timing. The rest of the session felt much more in synch and flowing.

After the session was done, he was happy and relaxed, feeling that I had helped ease the tension he had brought in with him. He also revealed a very specific physical peculiarity that I would never have known about, because it had been corrected with surgery and was not readily visible. I also mentioned my feeling a lack of connection at the beginning and he said he was dense (his word) about all such things.

His word “dense” was the perfect description of what I had felt at the beginning of the session. It nice to have the great feedback, providing confirmation of my instinct.
Go with the “don’t know”.
Connect in a basic and unobtrusive way.
Just wait and observe.

Even after 19 years with this work, reminders such as these are most welcome and helpful.
May your breath usher in the stillness you need as you head into the new year!!

…the climate worsens…

The sex-negative narrow-mindedness continues apace around us.

I’m sure most people in the U.S. either don’t care one way or the other about sex workers and others lumped into that category advertising online, or think it’s good to curtail that activity. The problem is that it is producing an almost McCarthy-like reaction, where website and app owners are so afraid of being arrested that they are tightening the parameters for advertising and even speech more and more.

The app Growlr, a rather free-wheeling dating and hook-up app for men in the “bear” category and their admirers, has a “shout” feature - a one-time paid announcement that goes out to a 5, 10 or 20 mile radius. I have seen it used for community events, healthcare screening, personal sexual activity and massage. I have used it many times for my Sacred Intimate work, using wording that is absolutely non-explicit. The last time I did this, the “shout” did go out, but I got a TOS violation warning from the app, saying that massage ads were no longer acceptable on the app because of issues with the content. Translation: Quit it. We’re not going to jail because of you, even though you’re paying a fee!

Then, yesterday, I went to search for a masseur on masseurfinder.com. That site itself has gotten tighter and tighter with the content and pictures in its ads. Now, there is a single category for masseurs, whereas when I joined there had been three. You can no longer choose a business title for your ad there; they all read: Massage by “X”. And the piece de resistance was the little warning and consent box that came up before you could view your first masseur. It actually made me feel a little sick.

I know that all things go in waves. I really did think, however, that, given the huge cache of knowledge about human sexuality that exists in the world, and the positive impact that this knowledge has had in so many ways, that some shackles were permanently loosened.

I fear I was wrong.

This grip is putting me and my colleagues who are trying to help men (and women) come to better terms with their sexuality and use it as a positive healing force in a very awkward place. I think more and more about entrapment. I see my ability to advertise shrinking.

If you are reading this, I am probably preaching to the choir. But perhaps you can consider the sex-negative, body-shaming, reactionary atmosphere around sexuality coming from places of authority a bit more deeply in hearing how this affects one person directly.

Wishing you and your body freedom and openness!!