My goodness it's been a long time since I have added to this. A more substantive post will come very soon.
But here is just a very short quote that I read in an essay called "Glass Blowing" by Khary Polk in the striking compilation called "Why are faggots so afraid of faggots?". We often think of risk, or perhaps act one way or the other because we do or don't want to risk something. These final lines, while not new, said all this in a quiet, concise way.
The last lines are:
"And I realized two things:
That to love anything was to risk its loss. And risk, itself, is the oddest barometer of love."
Here's to the vagaries of risk, both taken and contemplated!
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
The Radiating Waves of Sexual Abuse
In some ways, I am exceedingly fortunate person.
In my work as healer and Sacred Intimate, I have heard of so many types of neglect, abuse and lack of care both of self and others. I have tended to and wept with clients who have these things in their backgrounds. And I have never been directly touched by any of these - until now.
In a very highly publicized way, a story of long-term sexual abuse at my former high school has come to light. Four men were named specifically. One of these men was someone I considered my mentor. I met him when I entered the school at age 11 and remained in regular contact with him until his death last January. He was a formative and important part of my life, providing emotional support for certain decisions when my parents would not.
He never did anything inappropriate while I was his student. Later, after I came out to him in my early 20s, he confided that he was a very closeted bisexual. Unfortunately, this stifling of his sexuality led to inappropriate and harmful behavior. I was not shocked by the fact that he had had relations with boys at the school. I was shocked by the pervasive long-term aspect of the situation.
And I am left with a difficult task of heart: how to hold these competing and polarizing aspects of an all-too-human being in a soul? How to acknowledge the man who provided me a certain kind of inner support when my own parents would/could not while not pushing away the harm he caused others?
At the moment it feels daunting. This man is no longer there to confront or question, to console or cry with. Each of us whose lives he touched in a previously positive way must find a means to accommodate this new information. I find unnameable waves of emotion pass through me.
Perhaps I am grieving a certain loss of innocence, a re-writing of my childhood and early adulthood.
I didn’t know that I had any of that innocence left to lose, quite honestly...
In my work as healer and Sacred Intimate, I have heard of so many types of neglect, abuse and lack of care both of self and others. I have tended to and wept with clients who have these things in their backgrounds. And I have never been directly touched by any of these - until now.
In a very highly publicized way, a story of long-term sexual abuse at my former high school has come to light. Four men were named specifically. One of these men was someone I considered my mentor. I met him when I entered the school at age 11 and remained in regular contact with him until his death last January. He was a formative and important part of my life, providing emotional support for certain decisions when my parents would not.
He never did anything inappropriate while I was his student. Later, after I came out to him in my early 20s, he confided that he was a very closeted bisexual. Unfortunately, this stifling of his sexuality led to inappropriate and harmful behavior. I was not shocked by the fact that he had had relations with boys at the school. I was shocked by the pervasive long-term aspect of the situation.
And I am left with a difficult task of heart: how to hold these competing and polarizing aspects of an all-too-human being in a soul? How to acknowledge the man who provided me a certain kind of inner support when my own parents would/could not while not pushing away the harm he caused others?
At the moment it feels daunting. This man is no longer there to confront or question, to console or cry with. Each of us whose lives he touched in a previously positive way must find a means to accommodate this new information. I find unnameable waves of emotion pass through me.
Perhaps I am grieving a certain loss of innocence, a re-writing of my childhood and early adulthood.
I didn’t know that I had any of that innocence left to lose, quite honestly...
Monday, April 16, 2012
An Erotic Anniversary
An Erotic Anniversary: CBE Redux
This weekend I celebrated an erotic anniversary - 20 years ago, I attended my first event with the Body Electric School, Celebrating the Body Erotic. That weekend began me on the journey that became Sacred Intimate work. Though I have not had a lot of contact with the school in recent years, this initial opening and the subsequent weekends and workshops in which I participated had a profound effect on my understanding of what it means to be in a body.
In brief, this weekend is a scripted journey into erotic awareness through group process, self-touch, visualization, breath work and massage. It is all held in a container of safety and openness created by the facilitator. The participants are of all ages, shapes and sizes, and have varying levels of inner and erotic awareness.
I had asked my friends coordinating and facilitating not to publicize the fact that I had a long history with the school and that I did Sacred Intimate work. As much as possible, I wanted to experience what Buddhists call “beginner’s mind”, a return to the state of initial un-knowing after having practiced for a long time, that can lead to greater realization and further deepening. (I would not lie, however, so when I was asked directly had I done the weekend before, I said yes...) Having led men on aspects of this journey for twelve years in my own Sacred Intimate practice, I wanted to change the dynamic. I wanted to be a participant again so I could sit alongside the nervousness, apprehension and awakening that often happens for first time participants during a CBE weekend.
In truth it is impossible to experience something for a second, third or fiftieth time as completely new. Memory and experience are powerful teachers. What I was able to experience again, however, is why this work is important and powerful.
First, there is the experience of creating a temporary focused community. Intention and leadership in a well-defined time frame are a strong force in and of themselves.
Second, there is the journey of self-discovery that is the object of this intention, which seeks to push people in a direction of erotic expansion. Over the thirty years of use, the variations of this journey provided by the facilitators have been proven effective and enlivening.
Third, there is the conscious and careful exploration of erotic energy itself by means of guided breath work and massage. For those who want to enter these particular gates in their awareness, this combination of esoteric spiritual and physical practices is almost magical.
The experiences of the weekend culminate in the giving and receiving of a focused erotic massage. The “pure” giving and “pure” receiving that are required are often revelatory in and of themselves: if my intention as masseur is only the well-being and pleasure of the man on the table, I awaken my compassion; if my intention as recipient, knowing that I will also have the joy of serving, is only on my experience with no need to edit or censor, I awaken lovingkindness for myself.
Each time you go through this erotic massage experience, the effects are astoundingly different. There is sometimes screaming, crying, laughing, and visions. Yet often there is also a sense of profound peace, of radiant quiet opening, and sometimes sadness. No matter what occupies our thoughts of the moment in terms of “issues”, it is impossible to predict what will surface; I have seen this time and time again in myself and in my clients. The wellspring of healing, inspiration and resiliency under the conscious mind is amazing and quite often surprising.
I was very curious about my reaction to the experience, since it has been several years since I have had an erotic massage. I did have tons and tons of energy and movement go through me, but no enormous emotional release. My body wanted to be in unconventional positions for parts of the massage (sitting up and standing) to help energy move in strong ways, but I was left with a very simple experience of quiet and open-heartedness. The upper part of my chest felt radiant and warm; I was looking up, but not at any thing or person or power - just at possibility.
Since self-created ritual is one of the best ways of celebrating important life markers for me, I was delighted to be able to use this weekend in exactly this way. So, Happy Erotic Anniversary to me! Mark your own important dates of your life journey (erotic and otherwise). Perhaps you will also find yourself looking up in radiance at possibility!
This weekend I celebrated an erotic anniversary - 20 years ago, I attended my first event with the Body Electric School, Celebrating the Body Erotic. That weekend began me on the journey that became Sacred Intimate work. Though I have not had a lot of contact with the school in recent years, this initial opening and the subsequent weekends and workshops in which I participated had a profound effect on my understanding of what it means to be in a body.
In brief, this weekend is a scripted journey into erotic awareness through group process, self-touch, visualization, breath work and massage. It is all held in a container of safety and openness created by the facilitator. The participants are of all ages, shapes and sizes, and have varying levels of inner and erotic awareness.
I had asked my friends coordinating and facilitating not to publicize the fact that I had a long history with the school and that I did Sacred Intimate work. As much as possible, I wanted to experience what Buddhists call “beginner’s mind”, a return to the state of initial un-knowing after having practiced for a long time, that can lead to greater realization and further deepening. (I would not lie, however, so when I was asked directly had I done the weekend before, I said yes...) Having led men on aspects of this journey for twelve years in my own Sacred Intimate practice, I wanted to change the dynamic. I wanted to be a participant again so I could sit alongside the nervousness, apprehension and awakening that often happens for first time participants during a CBE weekend.
In truth it is impossible to experience something for a second, third or fiftieth time as completely new. Memory and experience are powerful teachers. What I was able to experience again, however, is why this work is important and powerful.
First, there is the experience of creating a temporary focused community. Intention and leadership in a well-defined time frame are a strong force in and of themselves.
Second, there is the journey of self-discovery that is the object of this intention, which seeks to push people in a direction of erotic expansion. Over the thirty years of use, the variations of this journey provided by the facilitators have been proven effective and enlivening.
Third, there is the conscious and careful exploration of erotic energy itself by means of guided breath work and massage. For those who want to enter these particular gates in their awareness, this combination of esoteric spiritual and physical practices is almost magical.
The experiences of the weekend culminate in the giving and receiving of a focused erotic massage. The “pure” giving and “pure” receiving that are required are often revelatory in and of themselves: if my intention as masseur is only the well-being and pleasure of the man on the table, I awaken my compassion; if my intention as recipient, knowing that I will also have the joy of serving, is only on my experience with no need to edit or censor, I awaken lovingkindness for myself.
Each time you go through this erotic massage experience, the effects are astoundingly different. There is sometimes screaming, crying, laughing, and visions. Yet often there is also a sense of profound peace, of radiant quiet opening, and sometimes sadness. No matter what occupies our thoughts of the moment in terms of “issues”, it is impossible to predict what will surface; I have seen this time and time again in myself and in my clients. The wellspring of healing, inspiration and resiliency under the conscious mind is amazing and quite often surprising.
I was very curious about my reaction to the experience, since it has been several years since I have had an erotic massage. I did have tons and tons of energy and movement go through me, but no enormous emotional release. My body wanted to be in unconventional positions for parts of the massage (sitting up and standing) to help energy move in strong ways, but I was left with a very simple experience of quiet and open-heartedness. The upper part of my chest felt radiant and warm; I was looking up, but not at any thing or person or power - just at possibility.
Since self-created ritual is one of the best ways of celebrating important life markers for me, I was delighted to be able to use this weekend in exactly this way. So, Happy Erotic Anniversary to me! Mark your own important dates of your life journey (erotic and otherwise). Perhaps you will also find yourself looking up in radiance at possibility!
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Generosity
One of the ways I find I learn the most about body work practice is by going to others. As a client, how do I respond to this person and how do I fit in that experience on that day. While I certainly don't relish the less-than-great experiences, I do find there is something to note there.
I went to someone for the second time today. This is a very attractive man who has a pleasant massage space in his living room. He has a pleasant manner and actually does not do bad body work at all.
But... something was "off". It was partly the "50 minutes equals an hour" thing. It was partly the lack of warm connection after the massage - a hug, a squeeze, a nice handshake looking in the eyes. It was partly not getting massaged on my head, neck or chest. It was partly having the release be the last thing that happened. It was partly not feeling that he cared much about the release one way or another.
I felt these things first time I went and thought maybe it was the first-time client thing. But "it" was there this time too. And the only way I can describe it is lack of generosity.
In Buddhism, generosity ("dana" in Pali) is one of the most important concepts - how and what we share with the world directly relates to our openness and compassion. It is not about giving everything away or letting others walk all over you; that would show lack of compassion for ourselves if we then are suffering. It is about an open heart and sharing what is possible and appropriate in any given instance.
This man did a good job at the massage, but didn't inhabit the session with me. The things that I felt were "off" showed me a lack of a certain kind of presence. It was very instructive. I certainly don't feel equally connected to every man who ends up having a sessions with me. Being very honest, there have been a few sessions where I can't wait for the session to be done. BUT, particularly in those difficult sessions, I consciously call up compassion and lovingkindness (karuna and metta in Pali, two of the most important ways of opening the heart) and try to be as present as possible, inhabiting the session with the client in any way I can - NOT running away internally.
Staying present can be a rough spiritual practice when you're balancing the work of Sacred Intimacy with aversion of some sort. It can be done successfully and meaningfully, however. And the bottom line is, the client feels the difference. This client. And the next client. And the client after that. Nurturing the open heart with awareness is never empty practice!
Wishing you all heart-filled touch and awareness!
I went to someone for the second time today. This is a very attractive man who has a pleasant massage space in his living room. He has a pleasant manner and actually does not do bad body work at all.
But... something was "off". It was partly the "50 minutes equals an hour" thing. It was partly the lack of warm connection after the massage - a hug, a squeeze, a nice handshake looking in the eyes. It was partly not getting massaged on my head, neck or chest. It was partly having the release be the last thing that happened. It was partly not feeling that he cared much about the release one way or another.
I felt these things first time I went and thought maybe it was the first-time client thing. But "it" was there this time too. And the only way I can describe it is lack of generosity.
In Buddhism, generosity ("dana" in Pali) is one of the most important concepts - how and what we share with the world directly relates to our openness and compassion. It is not about giving everything away or letting others walk all over you; that would show lack of compassion for ourselves if we then are suffering. It is about an open heart and sharing what is possible and appropriate in any given instance.
This man did a good job at the massage, but didn't inhabit the session with me. The things that I felt were "off" showed me a lack of a certain kind of presence. It was very instructive. I certainly don't feel equally connected to every man who ends up having a sessions with me. Being very honest, there have been a few sessions where I can't wait for the session to be done. BUT, particularly in those difficult sessions, I consciously call up compassion and lovingkindness (karuna and metta in Pali, two of the most important ways of opening the heart) and try to be as present as possible, inhabiting the session with the client in any way I can - NOT running away internally.
Staying present can be a rough spiritual practice when you're balancing the work of Sacred Intimacy with aversion of some sort. It can be done successfully and meaningfully, however. And the bottom line is, the client feels the difference. This client. And the next client. And the client after that. Nurturing the open heart with awareness is never empty practice!
Wishing you all heart-filled touch and awareness!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Things you didn't know about orgasm
Someone posted this talk on Facebook and I thought it was too fun, informative and odd not to share. A perfect thing for the beginning of spring, no??
Happy orgasm!
www.ted.com/talks/mary_roach_10_things_you_didn_t_know_about_orgasm.html
Happy orgasm!
www.ted.com/talks/mary_roach_10_things_you_didn_t_know_about_orgasm.html
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Erotic/Barber
I got my hair cut yesterday. As the woman was using the clippers, a vague memory of old very pleasurable experience washed over me. The memory was of haircuts when I was a young boy and loving the electric clippers. I have always found something very comforting about the hum of the motor and the sensation on the scalp. As I revisited this memory while having the sensation in the present moment, I realized that this might be my oldest erotic memory. This, of course, is the expanded use of the word erotic - simply the first time in my life I felt and could identify a pleasurable sensation as just that.
I have always had an interest in using electric clippers on someone else's head in an intimate erotic encounter. I have mentioned it to a few people, but those conversations never turned into anything real. (Interestingly, I'm not interested in the activity in a fetishistic way, only as a means of greater connection and play...)
At that moment during my haircut, I felt very grateful for tracing this back, the buzz and pleasant vibration providing reinforcement. It was almost like finding a piece of personal archaeology - an artifact - of my distant erotic past. I am also fascinated by the fact that this was a sensual rather than sexual sensation. I am not sure there's any profound meaning there, but rather a means of tracing very specific life experience.
When I find that guy who wants the erotic haircut to be part of the whole package, I will let you know! Here's to uncovering our erotic pasts!
I have always had an interest in using electric clippers on someone else's head in an intimate erotic encounter. I have mentioned it to a few people, but those conversations never turned into anything real. (Interestingly, I'm not interested in the activity in a fetishistic way, only as a means of greater connection and play...)
At that moment during my haircut, I felt very grateful for tracing this back, the buzz and pleasant vibration providing reinforcement. It was almost like finding a piece of personal archaeology - an artifact - of my distant erotic past. I am also fascinated by the fact that this was a sensual rather than sexual sensation. I am not sure there's any profound meaning there, but rather a means of tracing very specific life experience.
When I find that guy who wants the erotic haircut to be part of the whole package, I will let you know! Here's to uncovering our erotic pasts!
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