Few things get me more annoyed these days than the ever-present dichotomy of top/bottom. It often will be a first determining factor in an app/online contact. It’s often a second or third question in other circumstances. It’s not that I mind men having a stated preference for sexual activity. Rather, I mind that the terms are vague and limiting. Is that division for one sex act only? Does it imply types of intimate behavior in other ways? Why is that a determining factor more than oral/no oral or kissing/no kissing?
One of my early posts here was on porn vs body work. I feel that there should also be a significant footnote about porn vs real life and anal exploration. In porn films, you rarely see the insertive partner be careful, considerate and slow with his receptive mate. In porn films, you never see the insertive partner go through stages of erection and flaccidity. In porn films, you never see the receptive partner say: “Please stop. This isn’t comfortable for me.” In porn films, you never see the mess that can result from anal sex.
Even though we know on a conscious level that even the most amateur of these films are edited for maximum effect, it is very easy to start thinking that real-life encounters should follow what we see in film. I have had many clients over the years who feel deficient because they cannot live up to porn film standards when it comes to anal sex, specifically on the receptive side. While wanting to be a “better bottom” is perfectly fine, feeling that it is an “or else” situation is not fine at all.
Here are a few things for you to consider, wherever you place yourself on the anal sex spectrum.
Consideration #1
You don’t have to want anal sex.
Period.
A perfectly good answer to the top/bottom question is: “Neither, thank you”.
Consideration #2
Are you willing to explore a man’s butt without the goal of penetration?
Personal story: I have never felt drawn to anal exploration. There was never a phobia, but just no intense interest either. When I was introduced to anal exploration through the Body Electric School, it was as if I discovered a lost continent on my body. With a workshop partner whose goals were pleasure, care and connection, in a setting where the experience was provided only with hands, where penetration was only an afterthought and not a necessity, and with careful instruction and hygiene protocols, I was able to release all notion of performance and expectation and just feel. It was unexpected, intense and deep. (p.s. using latex or other gloves for this purpose makes a huge difference!)
Consideration #2a
Are you willing to release your self-concept of top or bottom to experience both sides of this type of exploration?
Consideration #3
If you are the insertive partner, are you willing to serve the pleasure of your receptive partner rather than assuming that your own will and fortitude are enough?
Consideration #4
If you are the receptive partner, are you willing to guide and encourage your insertive partner so that he understands and delights in your pleasure (and backs off when necessary)?
Consideration #5
Whichever side is your usual “flip”, what would happen if you let go of that designation completely, even if for a brief time?
What/who do you lose? What/who do you gain? Might your general appreciation of anal sex actually increase if you loosen your mental grip on this dividing line? Might you actually discover ways to be more competent at your chosen role by letting a rigid concept of it soften?
Of course I understand that in the heat of the sexual moment, these considerations may feel awkward or academic. In casual encounters, there may be no conversation at all and any action that seems “corrective” might stop things altogether. I’m hardly the wiener police here, but I guess I make a general plea for quality over quantity. You deserve it! Caring about your own and your partner’s experience - top, bottom, neither, casual, experimental, dating, married - can only help you embrace your general sense of well-being. And your butt - this mysterious place of many possible experiences - is a great place to start!
**For an interesting, informative and exhaustive treatment of this subject, please get “the butt bible”, “Anal Pleasure and Health” by Jack Morin. You won’t be sorry!**
Saturday, August 29, 2020
Top or Bottom, or, What's in a position?
Friday, July 24, 2020
Reflections on Twenty Years of Practice
Amid all the furor of the pandemic and other political upheaval, I completely missed an important life marker - the twentieth anniversary of my Sacred intimate practice. It is a passage of time that is well worth reflection and celebration!
My entry into this work was almost an accident. I had done all the workshops that Body Electric offered at that period including Sacred Intimacy Training and In the Garden of Life. While I appreciated their value in a personal growth sense, I couldn’t imagine doing “that stuff” in anything but a workshop setting. (My inner Good-Jewish-Boy-From-Suburbs still had some hooks in me…)
In December of 2000, I moved back to Chicago after 5 years in Santa Fe. It was a personal, rather than professional move, so I was not that busy with other work. Also, the concept of internet advertising and webpages was taking hold, so it removed some of the overtness of a print ad for my body work. A friend helped me create a basic webpage and I just waited.
Even without an official ad, some clients found my webpage and came for appointments. I was very lucky to get several serious clients who wanted ongoing work almost from the start. (I didn’t realize what a blessing and exception this was at the time!) These men, almost all older than me, showed me what this work was outside of the sweet confines of a retreat or workshop setting. It was great preparation for what would follow.
By and large, what I got from Body Electric prepared me very well for the workings of sessions - different approaches, different types of sessions, different ways of asking questions, different means of opening my heart to the needs of clients. What the training did not prepare me well for was the interface with real people walking in off the street who knew nothing of the work.
Pretty quickly, I found that I needed to revise how I presented session options to clients so that not everything ended up looking like sex or that the process of choosing what should happen in a session “didn’t feel like going to school without doing homework”, as one client aptly put it. After consulting with two of my Body Electric teachers, I made some changes in the way of presenting the work that made me more comfortable and put the clients more at ease - changes I have kept through all these years.
I will admit that on many occasions during these decades I have felt like giving up the practice. Certain aspects of working with clients, mostly about respect for me, my well-being or my boundaries, are tiring and tiresome. But the fundamental ideas that understanding the Erotic, experiencing generous heart-felt touch from a trained practitioner, and connecting all levels of a human’s being are essential life skills, have kept me going.
Here are some random thoughts about various aspects of the practice after two decades:
Communication 1: Communication with clients has changed drastically. Whereas clients used to call and often want appointments several days in advance, now clients mostly text and often want appointments within the next few hours.
Communication 2: Even with the paragraph above, the quality of initial contact of clients has remained remarkably similar. While many are kind and respectful, I still get a lot of “got time?”, “any sessions?”, “got more pictures?”, regardless of the means of contact.
Communication 3: The greater the number of questions either via text or email to begin, the less likely the person is to make an appointment. (Note: I think it is perfectly fine that a client ask questions that are important to him in order to feel that he will be getting an experience worth his time and money. But once these devolve into mapping the entire experience or knowing every detail of how things will happen, it seems that the client is not likely to let himself go into the mystery of what a session can be.)
Horniness: I have come to really respect a man’s right to be horny. It can be a fun and powerful motivator. However, when a man is not willing to go beyond that state, it seems less likely that he will experience something new or surprising. (And it is more likely that he will want to push my boundaries for sessions.)
SI work vs. other “extended body work”: I have greater awareness of and respect for sex work and escort work. The openness that the best of these practitioners can present is impressive. It is also very clear to me that my skills and comfort levels do not lend themselves to either of those things. I have jokingly referred to myself as the Miss Manners of Sacred Intimates at times. :-)
Aging 1: It is interesting, instructive and sobering to have been in this work from age 40 to 60. My body and appearance have changed, of course. The age and nature of my clients have indeed changed as well, as the younger and hotter men appear in the ads on the massage sites. The only time that bothers me is when my clients talk about how well or whole or calm they feel after a session with me and contrast it with someone younger or hotter who said he did what I do, but didn’t really.
Aging 2: I no longer feel the need to chase clients or try to “reel them in”. If interest in my work isn’t really there, they are better off going to someone else.
Shame: From early on in my practice, I have thought that one of the most basic benefits of Sacred Intimate work is “shame busting”. I vow to help clients move away from any shame they may bring in the door and not to compound or create shame in any way for a client. Simple listening, compassion and energetically neutral touch can work miracles! I do include initial contact in this vow. It gets very tricky when people persist with personal questions or edge over into sexual solicitation. (This happened just 30 minutes ago!! See Communication 2…) I have learned to state my boundaries in a neutral way or simply say: “I think you are looking for a different session than I can provide.”
Love: There have been a few clients over the years whose presence or experience has opened my heart in a spontaneous and surprising way. I generally know little about these men - their lives outside my massage room, the totality of their beings. Yet there is a sweetness and openness in them that elicits a powerful response within me. Sometimes this same feeling is acknowledged by the client. Other times, I never know if it a mutual or singular response. This remains one of the most rare, most beautiful, most unpredictable, and most mysterious things I feel in a session. At times afterwards I have meditated on it, much as you would meditate on a beautiful flower or jewel or artwork. Other times I just let it go with a wish of well-being. But this unexpected uprising of love is truly precious. It is truly one of the great gifts of this practice.
I give special thanks to John Ballew and Harry Faddis, who were my two most influential teachers from the Body Electric School and to Don Shewey, friend, Sacred Brother and fellow traveler.
Wishing you all well as I enter into my third decade of Sacred Intimate work!!
Namaste.
My entry into this work was almost an accident. I had done all the workshops that Body Electric offered at that period including Sacred Intimacy Training and In the Garden of Life. While I appreciated their value in a personal growth sense, I couldn’t imagine doing “that stuff” in anything but a workshop setting. (My inner Good-Jewish-Boy-From-Suburbs still had some hooks in me…)
In December of 2000, I moved back to Chicago after 5 years in Santa Fe. It was a personal, rather than professional move, so I was not that busy with other work. Also, the concept of internet advertising and webpages was taking hold, so it removed some of the overtness of a print ad for my body work. A friend helped me create a basic webpage and I just waited.
Even without an official ad, some clients found my webpage and came for appointments. I was very lucky to get several serious clients who wanted ongoing work almost from the start. (I didn’t realize what a blessing and exception this was at the time!) These men, almost all older than me, showed me what this work was outside of the sweet confines of a retreat or workshop setting. It was great preparation for what would follow.
By and large, what I got from Body Electric prepared me very well for the workings of sessions - different approaches, different types of sessions, different ways of asking questions, different means of opening my heart to the needs of clients. What the training did not prepare me well for was the interface with real people walking in off the street who knew nothing of the work.
Pretty quickly, I found that I needed to revise how I presented session options to clients so that not everything ended up looking like sex or that the process of choosing what should happen in a session “didn’t feel like going to school without doing homework”, as one client aptly put it. After consulting with two of my Body Electric teachers, I made some changes in the way of presenting the work that made me more comfortable and put the clients more at ease - changes I have kept through all these years.
I will admit that on many occasions during these decades I have felt like giving up the practice. Certain aspects of working with clients, mostly about respect for me, my well-being or my boundaries, are tiring and tiresome. But the fundamental ideas that understanding the Erotic, experiencing generous heart-felt touch from a trained practitioner, and connecting all levels of a human’s being are essential life skills, have kept me going.
Here are some random thoughts about various aspects of the practice after two decades:
Communication 1: Communication with clients has changed drastically. Whereas clients used to call and often want appointments several days in advance, now clients mostly text and often want appointments within the next few hours.
Communication 2: Even with the paragraph above, the quality of initial contact of clients has remained remarkably similar. While many are kind and respectful, I still get a lot of “got time?”, “any sessions?”, “got more pictures?”, regardless of the means of contact.
Communication 3: The greater the number of questions either via text or email to begin, the less likely the person is to make an appointment. (Note: I think it is perfectly fine that a client ask questions that are important to him in order to feel that he will be getting an experience worth his time and money. But once these devolve into mapping the entire experience or knowing every detail of how things will happen, it seems that the client is not likely to let himself go into the mystery of what a session can be.)
Horniness: I have come to really respect a man’s right to be horny. It can be a fun and powerful motivator. However, when a man is not willing to go beyond that state, it seems less likely that he will experience something new or surprising. (And it is more likely that he will want to push my boundaries for sessions.)
SI work vs. other “extended body work”: I have greater awareness of and respect for sex work and escort work. The openness that the best of these practitioners can present is impressive. It is also very clear to me that my skills and comfort levels do not lend themselves to either of those things. I have jokingly referred to myself as the Miss Manners of Sacred Intimates at times. :-)
Aging 1: It is interesting, instructive and sobering to have been in this work from age 40 to 60. My body and appearance have changed, of course. The age and nature of my clients have indeed changed as well, as the younger and hotter men appear in the ads on the massage sites. The only time that bothers me is when my clients talk about how well or whole or calm they feel after a session with me and contrast it with someone younger or hotter who said he did what I do, but didn’t really.
Aging 2: I no longer feel the need to chase clients or try to “reel them in”. If interest in my work isn’t really there, they are better off going to someone else.
Shame: From early on in my practice, I have thought that one of the most basic benefits of Sacred Intimate work is “shame busting”. I vow to help clients move away from any shame they may bring in the door and not to compound or create shame in any way for a client. Simple listening, compassion and energetically neutral touch can work miracles! I do include initial contact in this vow. It gets very tricky when people persist with personal questions or edge over into sexual solicitation. (This happened just 30 minutes ago!! See Communication 2…) I have learned to state my boundaries in a neutral way or simply say: “I think you are looking for a different session than I can provide.”
Love: There have been a few clients over the years whose presence or experience has opened my heart in a spontaneous and surprising way. I generally know little about these men - their lives outside my massage room, the totality of their beings. Yet there is a sweetness and openness in them that elicits a powerful response within me. Sometimes this same feeling is acknowledged by the client. Other times, I never know if it a mutual or singular response. This remains one of the most rare, most beautiful, most unpredictable, and most mysterious things I feel in a session. At times afterwards I have meditated on it, much as you would meditate on a beautiful flower or jewel or artwork. Other times I just let it go with a wish of well-being. But this unexpected uprising of love is truly precious. It is truly one of the great gifts of this practice.
I give special thanks to John Ballew and Harry Faddis, who were my two most influential teachers from the Body Electric School and to Don Shewey, friend, Sacred Brother and fellow traveler.
Wishing you all well as I enter into my third decade of Sacred Intimate work!!
Namaste.
Tuesday, May 12, 2020
Touch in a Time of Distance
What on earth do we do now? The very thing that links us in a profound, primal and ecstatic way is all of a sudden a major problem for everyone everywhere.
My last bodywork client was on March 9. A few weeks before, I had put a whole set of protocols in place for myself that I did after each client - a wipe down of every surface in the room within a few feet of the table (on top of the usual wiping of the table), wiping every part of the table, diffusing anti-viral essential oils in the room and the apartment before and after the client, taking a full soapy shower after the client (instead of just the scrub of arms and hands). I then put in place protocols for the clients - all clothes placed in a small box in the bathroom, requiring a full shower of the client before the session. I also scaled back on my offerings - no Breath of Life Massage, as it requires forceful expulsion of air, nothing that requires my face to be extremely close to the client’s.
While these are all sensible precautions done in the name of safety for both me and the client, they also have the sad effect of creating a distance between us. I can be as open-hearted as before this whole mess started, but I can’t be as free with contact. And that feels like the exact opposite of what Sacred Intimate work is supposed to provide. The number one rule of Sacred Intimacy is providing a safe container for the client and his session, however that looks. But now, in the name of safety and good sense, that safe container is a much more limited place.
It pains me that for each client I need to ask myself: “Is this safe? Is this worth the potential risk?” These are questions that never had to be asked in this way before. Safety and risk were never about disease, given the boundaries that I have always had.
Amazingly, I have had session requests at regular intervals throughout these two months. I have declined to take them, but I must admit I have the angel-and-devil arguments about each one of them. Personally, there is nothing I would love more right now than a wonderful massage. I am giving everything a few more weeks. I am not sure that a few weeks will really solve or reveal anything, honestly. I am trying to be in touch with other professionals to gauge what they are doing.
May our touch be freed from restriction soon!! Until then, touch yourself!!
My last bodywork client was on March 9. A few weeks before, I had put a whole set of protocols in place for myself that I did after each client - a wipe down of every surface in the room within a few feet of the table (on top of the usual wiping of the table), wiping every part of the table, diffusing anti-viral essential oils in the room and the apartment before and after the client, taking a full soapy shower after the client (instead of just the scrub of arms and hands). I then put in place protocols for the clients - all clothes placed in a small box in the bathroom, requiring a full shower of the client before the session. I also scaled back on my offerings - no Breath of Life Massage, as it requires forceful expulsion of air, nothing that requires my face to be extremely close to the client’s.
While these are all sensible precautions done in the name of safety for both me and the client, they also have the sad effect of creating a distance between us. I can be as open-hearted as before this whole mess started, but I can’t be as free with contact. And that feels like the exact opposite of what Sacred Intimate work is supposed to provide. The number one rule of Sacred Intimacy is providing a safe container for the client and his session, however that looks. But now, in the name of safety and good sense, that safe container is a much more limited place.
It pains me that for each client I need to ask myself: “Is this safe? Is this worth the potential risk?” These are questions that never had to be asked in this way before. Safety and risk were never about disease, given the boundaries that I have always had.
Amazingly, I have had session requests at regular intervals throughout these two months. I have declined to take them, but I must admit I have the angel-and-devil arguments about each one of them. Personally, there is nothing I would love more right now than a wonderful massage. I am giving everything a few more weeks. I am not sure that a few weeks will really solve or reveal anything, honestly. I am trying to be in touch with other professionals to gauge what they are doing.
May our touch be freed from restriction soon!! Until then, touch yourself!!
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