When advertising turns on the advertiser

Some of you may remember the scandal that happened with the website rentboy.com in August of 2015. Big guns like the NSA and FBI swooped in, confiscated their computers and servers from their office in New York City and arrested the CEO and six staff members. The charges were prostitution and money laundering. The CEO was subsequently indicted by a grand jury.

This action sent waves throughout the internet to all the sites which advertised male massage and related services. All of a sudden, they began putting serious restrictions on the nature and content of photographs, terminology and even specific words that were no longer permitted. All services and presentation had to look “legitimate”.

It was during this first round of sanitizing that I moved my ad from massagem4m, a site which I joined right when it started. All of a sudden, I could no longer use the words which describe who I am and what I do: “Body Electric trained Sacred Intimate”. These words are exactly what distinguish me from the dozens of other men who advertise. How am I to let potential clients know what they will be getting if I can’t describe it?

Reluctantly, I moved my ad to masseurfinder, leaving behind 13 years of good client reviews. At least this site had devised different categories of body work. They, too, had certain restrictions, but I was able to work within those guidelines and present myself well. However, a round of sanitizing followed within five months. All of a sudden, I was violating terms of service with rather benign expressions. But, most damaging, I could no longer link to my website directly from ad because its name, sacred-intimacy.com, set off a “porn alarm”.

I took a deep breath, changed a few words and added the phrase “please ask me for the link to my website for further information”. Of course, without the ease of a simple click, most visitors to my ad would not write or text to ask for the link. But some did, so I felt ok to leave the ad in place.

 Then, two days ago, the other shoe dropped. All of a sudden the phrases “we can create a session that is an exploration of transformation”, “wonderful exploration between men”, and “this unique and wonderful form of connection” were violations of terms of service as was “sacred intimate”. And, most damaging of all, I could no longer tell potential clients to ask for a link to my website without even mentioning its name.

This time, I have had enough. While I fear that removing my ad would force me into retirement on someone else’s terms, I can no longer pay nearly $600 a year to a company that does not permit me to express the uniqueness of my work even in the most basic of terms and does not support me or my work in any way, shape or form. Two of the foundational tenets of Sacred Intimacy are those of personal honesty and dispelling of shame. If I were to bow to these new guidelines, I would not be presenting my work in an honest and open way, and, in a very real sense, would be shaming myself for what I do to bring healing to the world. I cannot do this.

So what now?

How can I and others who do this work reach potential clients to know who and where I am? I have looked at other websites that cater more to escorts and feel that they do not provide the proper context for my work. The intention of potential clients for work that is healing and transformative, rather than purely sexual, is very important to me. (I think all sex work has value; it is just not what I do.)

I have no answers now. I will rewrite portions of my website to try to snare some search traffic that might otherwise go past me to the big websites. Also, I am taking a mental and physical deep breath and seeing if some avenue opens up that I have not yet considered. Conscious non-action seems best at the moment.

Send good thoughts and make an appointment!
Wishing you all well!

A "Bad" Client

A client a few days ago pushed more buttons than has happened in a long while. He first told me about a pinched nerve in his right leg that required special touch. Fair enough. Then, as the session went along, more and more restrictions came to light - sensitivity to pressure, little stretching, don’t touch the feet. He just seemed like a generally closed individual, and, with the exception of the pinched nerve, everything he asked for less of his body could actually have benefitted from more. In the midst, he wasn’t comfortable in the face cradle, so wanted to turn over a good 20 minutes before that would have happened in a usual massage session. Then, unsurprisingly, he began touching his own cock regularly and pulling me closer into him.

He did ask for full-body hug while on the table. It surprised me greatly because it was the first (and only) non-constraining wish he voiced. However, after about 30 seconds, he said: “That’s enough” and pushed me away.

The first effect of all this was requiring me to use a certain measure of ingenuity to do what needed to be done to create any kind of effective session. The second effect was getting me annoyed by all the various “extra” elements present in the session. The final effect was to make my mind spin into many stories about who this was and why was he even bothering to have a session.

With clients like this, I try to engage as much compassion as I possibly can to cut through my mind’s chatter about who this person is - I just can’t know. As long as no harm to me may be involved, opening my heart wider to human suffering is a useful and expanding spiritual practice.  It’s the only way I know to bring an overriding sensitivity to a session where heart-filled qualities may not be easily arise naturally.  (Karuna, the word in Pali for compassion, is one of the seminal practices in Buddhism for overcoming ill will.)

And, of course, I find the limits of my compassion as well, usually more quickly than I would hope.

Two interesting footnotes:
After all of his touching of his own cock and of me, he didn’t want a release. Perhaps it would have required too much work and energy. Again, I just can’t know.
And, after the session was done, he told me how much more relaxed he felt. This gave me a big internal giggle, since I felt like all his restrictions had allowed me to do next to nothing to help him.

Even after 16+ years of doing this work, I still get surprised by the limits of “knowledge” and the complexity of humans. All I can do is open my heart and my hands and be present both to the client and myself.