Top or Bottom, or, What's in a position?

 Few things get me more annoyed these days than the ever-present dichotomy of top/bottom. It often will be a first determining factor in an app/online contact. It’s often a second or third question in other circumstances. It’s not that I mind men having a stated preference for sexual activity. Rather, I mind that the terms are vague and limiting. Is that division for one sex act only? Does it imply types of intimate behavior in other ways? Why is that a determining factor more than oral/no oral or kissing/no kissing?

One of my early posts here was on porn vs body work. I feel that there should also be a significant footnote about porn vs real life and anal exploration. In porn films, you rarely see the insertive partner be careful, considerate and slow with his receptive mate. In porn films, you never see the insertive partner go through stages of erection and flaccidity. In porn films, you never see the receptive partner say: “Please stop. This isn’t comfortable for me.” In porn films, you never see the mess that can result from anal sex.

Even though we know on a conscious level that even the most amateur of these films are edited for maximum effect, it is very easy to start thinking that real-life encounters should follow what we see in film. I have had many clients over the years who feel deficient because they cannot live up to porn film standards when it comes to anal sex, specifically on the receptive side. While wanting to be a “better bottom” is perfectly fine, feeling that it is an “or else” situation is not fine at all.

Here are a few things for you to consider, wherever you place yourself on the anal sex spectrum.

Consideration #1
You don’t have to want anal sex.

Period.

A perfectly good answer to the top/bottom question is: “Neither, thank you”.

Consideration #2
Are you willing to explore a man’s butt without the goal of penetration?

Personal story: I have never felt drawn to anal exploration. There was never a phobia, but just no intense interest either. When I was introduced to anal exploration through the Body Electric School, it was as if I discovered a lost continent on my body. With a workshop partner whose goals were pleasure, care and connection, in a setting where the experience was provided only with hands, where penetration was only an afterthought and not a necessity, and with careful instruction and hygiene protocols, I was able to release all notion of performance and expectation and just feel. It was unexpected, intense and deep. (p.s. using latex or other gloves for this purpose makes a huge difference!)

Consideration #2a
Are you willing to release your self-concept of top or bottom to experience both sides of this type of exploration?

Consideration #3
If you are the insertive partner, are you willing to serve the pleasure of your receptive partner rather than assuming that your own will and fortitude are enough?

Consideration #4
If you are the receptive partner, are you willing to guide and encourage your insertive partner so that he understands and delights in your pleasure (and backs off when necessary)?

Consideration #5
Whichever side is your usual “flip”, what would happen if you let go of that designation completely, even if for a brief time?

What/who do you lose? What/who do you gain? Might your general appreciation of anal sex actually increase if you loosen your mental grip on this dividing line? Might you actually discover ways to be more competent at your chosen role by letting a rigid concept of it soften?


Of course I understand that in the heat of the sexual moment, these considerations may feel awkward or academic. In casual encounters, there may be no conversation at all and any action that seems “corrective” might stop things altogether. I’m hardly the wiener police here, but I guess I make a general plea for quality over quantity. You deserve it! Caring about your own and your partner’s experience - top, bottom, neither, casual, experimental, dating, married - can only help you embrace  your general sense of well-being. And your butt - this mysterious place of many possible experiences - is a great place to start!


**For an interesting, informative and exhaustive treatment of this subject, please get “the butt bible”, “Anal Pleasure and Health” by Jack Morin. You won’t be sorry!**