I have found that some of my best insights in body work come from sessions that I receive. I definitely experience the power of attention versus the void of inattention. I learn wonderful and surprising techniques that other people use to relax and stretch.
I also learn very valuable lessons about how sexuality can be experienced from the client’s side of things.
I had a session last week with a masseur from whom I have had massages every now and then for a number of years. He is a very sweet guy who actually does do good massage work. He has always been assertive in what felt like a fun way about his own sexuality during the sessions in the past. Since I know this about him, I have only called him when I felt that my own energy matched what I would expect from him. This time, however, his energy was more aggressive than assertive. His wants superseded my own. Rather than letting the sexuality permeate the massage, it was thrust (bad pun) into it.
The lessons were in how I felt on a deep level and where my mind went. The first thing I noticed was how different it feels when there is a consensus about what is happening with the energy exchange between body worker and client. What he was doing wasn’t necessarily unpleasant, it simply was not asked for or agreed upon. Given how much of this he was doing, it was a lot of non-asking! And that led to the second and more important thing that I noticed: it took me out of any relaxation I felt at all. The net result of all this was not satisfying on any level.
I wonder, as I have in past blog posts, about how and why this approach is so pervasive. Is it partly the massage-as-sex scenes that are everywhere in the porn industry? Is it an issue of lack of boundaries in some way on the part of the client? Is it that men, when presented with this kind of overt sexuality, feel that saying “no” or “not now” is insulting to the body worker or shows lack of prowess on their own part?
After all these years of experience, it seems that a mix of “all of the above” can be at work, depending on the client. In addition, we all get caught in the tangle of what is erotic or sensual or sexual in the context of body work and how to navigate those passageways with grace and heart.
Stating it bluntly: as a client, when face down on the massage table and presented with the beautiful cock of your masseur in your upturned hand or elsewhere on your body in an overt manner, it can be difficult to know exactly how you feel in that moment. The mix of “wow”, “I didn’t ask for this”, “feels nice”, and “this won’t help me relax” takes on a life of its own. The physical result of all this is the path of least resistance for most people, which is specifically sexual.
This all circles back to what I feel is the most important thing: intention of the body worker. The last thing I want is for the client to be questioning my intentions. This stew of thought takes the client out of the body work experience, as I have felt myself. It reaffirms for me the wisdom of gently stating parameters and possibilities at the beginning of a session so there is no worry, no confusion, no “stew of thought”. Then, there is asking, choice, consensus, and, one hopes, a darn good body work session.
Happy Summer!
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